Changes...

Haven't posted in a while; it's been a busy summer with lots of friends visiting, and trips to other locales. I sometimes think I just spend a lot of time trying to avoid my own life, i.e. the elephant in the room of "what am I going to do?"

It's a crazy place to be, and a very selfish one too. But here I am nonetheless.

I have been doing research into three main areas lately: brewing, nursing and paramedicine. They all interest me terribly; therein lies the problem. I have always been good at most everything I try, and I have never been very good at separating "talent" from "passion". So it is very hard for me to just one day say, "I think I'll be a nurse from now on." Or whatever. I always want to keep all options open, you know? My dad talks about the day that he "stopped conning himself that someday he'd be president of the United States", and I think I'm gradually getting what he means. It relates strongly to my previous post on "Coming of Age", as it is one of those things where you realize that there are some doors that have closed in your life, never to reopen.

Exhibit A: I was in Boise last week visiting my wife's brother and family. He's an F-15E pilot, and arranged a tour of an aircraft while I was there. As I was standing on the plane, between the tails, I knew that I would never know the feeling of pulling 9G's in a hard turn, unless I become a senator someday (I hear they get incentive rides all the time). Damn.



Even as I grow a little older, I want to believe that I can still do anything I set my mind to, but wisdom and maturity tell me that this isn't the case. Some things have indeed come to pass.

My own arrogance makes me want to believe that I'm everything, and that anyone in any field would be lucky to have me, no? Meanwhile, I sit around and mope and try to figure out what to do, as if I can't just make a choice.

From Rush:
"If you choose not to decide
You still have made a choice
...
I will choose a path that's clear
I will choose free will"

Anyway. Full moon. The usual late night ramblings. But getting closer.